You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
