I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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