Redeem this text for a blowjob
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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