420 ftw
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
