Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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