The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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