I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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