Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
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