I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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