why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
