OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
