I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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