Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Randomize
