Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
