I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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