I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
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