there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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