Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
