Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
