Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
