How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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