you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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