I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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