nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
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