I wish I could punch you in the face.
People in love make me want to vomit
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Randomize
