If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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