I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
