Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
In other news, I just burned my penis
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
