upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
