I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
