If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
