It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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