I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
