You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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