Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
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