She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
