Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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