Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
