and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
