i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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