Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
