I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Randomize
