Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Randomize
