Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
