I can text with my tongue
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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