She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
