never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
ttyl tear gas
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
