We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
