I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
