This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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