im about as happy as oj after his trial
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
