They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
