So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
