Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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