So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
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