guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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