does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
