Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
