I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
