In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
