Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
