Best friends brother. Beat that.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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