I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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