what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
